Lessons from the Tour

If you've ever attended a golf tournament, you know that there are two ways you can follow the action: hoofing it or parking it (or getting drunk in one of the food tents and watching it on TV, but that doesn't really count, does it?). Me, I'm more of a hoofer. I like to think that while I walk the course I not only appreciate the course design and see a variety of different players and shots, but get a workout in the process. Parking it in a grandstand? Please. I'd rather sit on a bed of nails. Ouch.

Yet at the last two tournaments I attended I've parked it. Last February at the Nissan Open (what's now called the Northern Trust Open), I sat in the bleachers behind No. 14 at Riviera, a downhill, 176-yard Par 3 into an easterly wind. I watched a couple dozen marquee players come through: Harrington, Garcia, Furyk, Els, Mickelson and the eventual winner, Charles Howell III. Some were playing well, others, not so much.

Here's what I observed:

1. Even though the pin was cut just on the other side of a cavernous bunker, nobody purposefully (as far as I could tell) played it safe. Every player-all 24 of them- took dead aim at the flag. The Lesson: Tour players, unlike most amateurs, know their distances and control their ball spin. Not that all of them pulled this off, of course, but it's a little peek into what makes a Pro a Pro. Know your distances, know your limitations.

2. As I recall there was only one birdie in the first five or so groups, and it was a chip in. Nonetheless there were plenty of good opportunities. A 10-footer here, a 12-footer there, still nobody rolled one in. All that changed when the leaders came through. Els, Furyk and Howell all birdied. The Lesson: Players are in contention because they carry hot putters. The algorithm is simple: good putting=lower scores.

3. Trust a good caddie. Some lesser-known players had Riviera caddies on their bags. Although the Pacific Ocean is (a few miles) behind the green, caddies were trying to convince their players to factor the ocean into their read. From where I was sitting the break looked pretty subtle, but I knew that most greens slope from back to front. Most newbies thought so too. In fact some players were so adamant about it that they were getting into arguments with their caddies. Sure enough, the ones who were convinced their putts broke toward the front of the green were shocked to see that, indeed, all putts break toward the ocean. The lesson: trust a caddie who loops in professional tournaments! And a bit more realistically, all putts break toward the agua.

Later this week I'll talk about another tournament where I was stuck in the bleachers and a few of the lessons I learned there. Stay tuned.

My Playing Peeves

I'll be straightforward with you. As a magazine editor, let alone one that specializes in instruction and equipment, I can safely say that it's likely I play more golf than most people. I slip out of the office every so often and tee it up, either with colleagues, instructors or folks from the equipment realm. There are some of you out there who seem to play a lot more often that people like I do and still manage to make a good enough living to be members at private clubs or can afford the high prices for green fees (Where do you work and where do I apply?), but generally I play more than the occasional weekend warrior. That said, I have little to gripe about in that department.

(ENTER SNOOTYNESS HERE): However, since I play so much, I've managed to acquire a few pet peeves that generally turn my otherwise pleasant round of golf into one that's riddled with annoyances. Not that I get that upset (I never take my golf blessings for granted), but there are times I wish these kinds of irritations were avoided. I'll try and leave out the obvious ones (such as SLOW PLAY, which happens to be the granddaddy of all golf course aggravations) and stick with some that are lesser talked about, but equaling annoying.

So, without further ado, in no particular order, here's my Top 10 Things I Hope The Players in My Foursome Never Do:

10. Playing from the wrong tee box: My theory on this is, don't play the back tees unless you average somewhere around par from the one-forward box. Or, stick to courses that play somewhere between 6500-6800 yards. You'll have more fun, I'll have more fun and we'll all shoot lower scores. Also, if you are playing the forward tees, make an effort to hit first when applicable. We'd rather wait for you to walk back to us than have all of us huddle over your tee shot after we hit ours.

9. Fear of better players: Unless you're playing for moolah, feeling intimidated by better players is nonsense. So long as you adhere to #10 and keep pace, better players generally don't care what you shoot. One of the reasons better players are better players is because they pay attention to their own game, not every else's. Keep pace, and odds are the better players in your group will hardly notice you just double bogeyed the last three holes.

8. Green etiquette: Replacing divots, honors on the tee box, that's all well said. But lack of green etiquette can get old fast. First, don't stand behind the hole while someone is putting, the first person to hole out is always the first to replace the pin, and lastly, please don't mark that one-footer to save bogey. Pick it up. And please, don't mark your ball with anything plastic. Plastic is for bottles only, and for buying drinks for the winner at the 19th hole.

7. Lost ball disorder: if loosing golf balls is a problem, please stop buying balls that cost $50 a dozen. Buy some cheaper ones that ease the pain of loosing a couple balls a round. Stop whining about it. "I hear there's a sale on X-Outs in the golf shop." That's one of my favorite lines and I'm not afraid to use it.

6. Beverage cart from the fairway: I don't care how thirsty you are, I can't stand when people flag down the beverage cart while playing a hole. Also, the beverage cart gal should know better (even though I know she doesn't care. Time is money to her). Seriously folks, there are two times to re-stock: after you finish a hole and before you start the next one. Nothing is worse than waiting in the group behind because you're jonesin' for another Coors Light.

5. Betting on a curve: I don't care what your handicap is, playing Nassau's, skins, whatever should always be played straight up. If the variance in skill is too much to be competitive, then don't bet. Nothing is more unjust and frankly, more unholy, than making a miracle birdie from a fairway bunker, only to tie the hole with a 17-handicapper who took three shots to get to the green and 2-putted for a net birdie...That's not golf, that's highway robbery. Bet against players at your skill level, or toughen up and learn to compete with better players.

4. "Golfers, traps, pin...what'd you shoot?" First of all, I know golfer is technically a word, but for my sake it's not. You aren't a baseballer. Or a basketballer or footballer. You are a player. Same holds true for golf. You play it, not golf it. (hush, hush you bowlers.) It's a bunker not a "trap" and its a flagstick not a "pin." Finally, you don't shoot anything on a golf course (unless you're lucky enough to play some of the dangerous courses we have to choose from here in LA). You score. So, the correct question is, "what was your score? Not, "What'd you shoot?" Come on folks...make Peter Oosterhuis proud.

3. Cell phones talking: I know, this counts as an obvious one, but I had to include it. Worse case scenario, put it on silent and use a text message. We don't care that you're having fried chicken for dinner tonight.

2.Brake pedal vigilantes: You know who you are. Listen, you don't need to lock in the parking brake every time you stop, and you definitely don't need to come to such an abrupt stop every time you reach the ball/teebox. I've almost broke my nose on the windshield enough times already. Conversely, please wait until I sit down before you pop the parking brake that you felt was so important to lock in. I really don't the wind knocked out of me. Thanks.

1. Club droppers: It's happened to everyone. (Even me.) But when you do drop something and turn the cart around to find what you lost, wait until the right time to interrupt the group behind you. Don't do it while we're putting or teeing off. You've already made us carry your club, so please move your cart and we'll give you your club back. Also, if you're the lucky one who found a club, do the right thing and pick it up. Don't just leave it on the last tee box. That'll only slow down the group in front of you even more. Also, don't ask "What brand is it?" or some other obnoxious question to the person who's looking for his/her club. Just hand it over and be on your way.

-Got any pet peeves of your own? I want to hear about it!